The Quantum Physics of Santa Clause!

This is just a short post that I thought was a long time in coming. It seems there are people out there who doubt the existence of Santa. I know, right? Now normally, I'd respond with something quaint about how Santa lives in your heart, and if you truly believe, then he's real, yadda, yadda, yadda. Let's face it, that might have worked on some little girl in New York, but it doesn't carry much weight with us worldly grown-ups, does it?  

So I decided that, if Santa is real, then there needs to be some scientific proof of his existence. Well, any science-savvy person who knows anything about basic physics will tell you that Santa, and his Impossible Task are pure bunk! I mean, how can one man, with one sleigh, carry ALL those presents to all the good little boys and girls of the world in one night? Impossible, right?

Well, yes, if you look at it scientifically. Given that approximately 15% of the world's children are Christian (and therefor on Santa's list), that makes about 375 million kids who need presents. Even if he travels from east to west (to maximize the amount of nighttime hours), he only has 31 hours in which to make all his deliveries (this takes into account timezones). If we go with the average of 1.89 children per household (from the US Census), that leaves a little over 198 million households for Santa to visit. This means Santa must make 1,774 deliveries per second. That's pretty ambitious, even for a "right jolly old elf".

Add to that the problem of the sheer mass of presents. Even if we limit each child to one two-pound gift, Santa is carrying over 500 thousand tons. Eight reindeer can't pull that much on their best day, not to mention that the fat guy himself is perched atop the whole thing! It's pretty clear that science has proven that Santa cannot possibly exist.

Except, we forgot about quantum physics. In the early part of the 20th Century, a number of great minds (some of which, like Einstein, you've heard of) were busy discovering the nature of small particle behavior. They found that, at the sub-atomic level, particles just don't behave the way that they're supposed to. This turned the world of physics on its ear, and led to the development of modern quantum mechanical theory. Now, I'm not a physicist, and it's not my intention to explain quantum physics here. I just want to offer one rather interesting, and, I think, crucial theory in support of the existence of Santa Clause.

It's the idea of quantum superpositions. To keep it simple, Santa has mastered quantum existence. Santa is capable, just once a year, of existing in infinite quantum states simultaneously. Electrons do this all the time. In short, Santa can be everywhere at once. Now this takes a tremendous amount of energy, which is why he only does it once a year. But with polylocation, Santa only needs a powerful burst of energy for a very short time, say, approximately 10 - 15 minutes. Enough time to place presents, eat cookies, and maybe leave a note. Once his Santa-ly duties are complete, he simply returns to a singular state. What's more, this explains two very important things about Santa:

1. "He sees you when you're sleeping/He knows when you're awake." Of course he does - he can be everywhere at once! And he'd better know if you're awake, because:
2. Santa won't come to a house where children are awake. IF ONE SINGLE CHILD SHOULD HAPPEN TO OBSERVE SANTA, THEN ACCORDING TO THE PRINCIPLES OF QUANTUM PHYSICS, ALL OF HIS INFINITE QUANTUM STATES WOULD COLLAPSE INTO A SINGLE STATE OF EXISTENCE, RENDERING HIM UNABLE TO PERFORM HIS DELIVERIES!!! Read that again! Kids, when it's time to go to bed on Christmas Eve, don't screw around!

So yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Clause, and Quantum Physics proves that not only can he exist, but that he's got some badass technology up there at the North Pole! OK, time for my long winter's nap! Merry Christmas!